I think this life is a gift. A gift that was given to us, despite our inability to adequately be thankful for it. We take and take, mold to things and people that we like, and eventually get caught up in the whirl wind of life and realize we don’t even know who we are, let alone what we’ve become. I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life taking from this world and the people who have walked in and out of it. I’ve pretended to be someone I am not for the sake of not being ridiculed or questioned. I’ve pretended to do this, say that, live a certain way, thinking that I could avoid the question of, who am I? I don’t have an answer to who I have been, but I do know who I want to be. I know that I have a love that the world is desperate for. I know that I’ve been given a caring heart, a compassionate spirit and the mindset of a servant. I’ve been given a beauty that attracts people, forcing them to remember me. I’ve been blessed with adversity, but graced with the opportunity to comfort. The Lord has placed a passion for women and children inside of me. My heart yearns to comfort them, love them and show them light and love and laughter. However, love and laughter weren’t coming too easily to me. I thought those qualities were juvenile. I was in a grown up world now and needed to take life seriously. I thought that having a compassionate spirit made me weak. I feared that caring too much was wrong. I was struggling to understand why God had planted these seeds in me, if I wasn’t going to be able to use them. I didn’t understood why God made me look the way I did (which I disliked) but gave me a caring heart (which I liked). I used to pray that He would take my physical appearance away and make me unsightly. I lived in fear. I feared that if the people who were closest to me mocked my faith, my morals, my beliefs, and my standards, the world would too. I feared that a man would only love me, because of my physical appearance and figured he would not like an emotionless, unlovable and standoffish women, so that is what I become. My heart was overflowing with love and emotions, but I believed the lies telling me to be cold, heartless, and immovable. I was on a mission. A mission that included power, success and control, and no one could get in my way…except God. He soothed my heart of stone, gently took off my chains that linked me to fear, and simply held me. The process wasn’t one that I wanted to go through, but here I am, once again realizing that I am nothing without Jesus, and there is no place I would rather be. He has spoken TRUTH over the lies I believed. He loved/is loving/will always love, me, even though the world doesn’t. I am proud to say that I am in love with Jesus Christ. I am proud to say that I am doing my best to live Biblically, daily. I am excited to say that I am willing to wait for a Godly man, who loves Jesus, more than he will ever love me. I am not ashamed to say that I am saving myself for marriage and think that any type of sexual touch, visual, feeling, connection etc. is wrong before one is married, even if that is not the norm. I am absolutely humbled that I have been called to be a wife and a mom and cant wait to start this chapter of my life with the Lord at my side. I am honored that I have been called into counseling and helping women who are hurting, even if I won’t make any money. I will be living a much more satisfying life on earth and in heaven if I am obedient to Christ, than if I follow the desires of my flesh.
The next 20 years, will be different. Love is ok. Compassion is ok. Caring is ok. The Lord has given me these abilities and talents, and I want to use them to bring glory to Him. No, these talents aren’t athletic abilities, scholastic abilities or artistic abilities, but nonetheless, they are God given and back to God I will give them. I want to work with children who have cancer; I want to be a comforter to women who make the decision to keep their baby. I want be an example to others and show them what TRUE love looks like…a King nailed to the cross for me, for you, who deserves absolutely nothing, but was given life. The next 20 years, I will love more than I have loved, I will serve more than I have ever served and I will show hope to those who are hopeless. Jesus give me the strength to do YOUR will, not my own. Give me courage to be bold and fearless for YOUR name. Give me faith to see, when my eyes become weary. Give me ears to hear your whisper, when this world is too loud. Give me love, enough love to show the people of this world that YOU alone are all that is needed. Help me to give you glory, give you thanks, give you praise for you deserve it all and so much more.