oh snap...

Love of God overflow...Permeate all my soul

Mon, 20 May 2013 23:21:00 -0400

My heart is in a place of happiness. It flutters and beats and swells with excitement. I am entering into a season of transformation. A season filled with choices and growth accompanied with the occasional freak out. My life is changing. It is weaving together the past with forgiveness and grace and redemption and opening a new chapter. A new section. A new start. A new beginning. I am different and that is ok. I am learning and experiencing and making mistakes. I am loving. Deeply, sincerely, whole heartedly loving. I am discovering feelings I have stuffed. I am working through memories I have suppressed. I am changing…and that is good. This year, I am graduating. I am learning. I am seeing. I am dating…I am dating. Dating a man who seeks Jesus first. A man who does his best to live intentionally. A man who at my core, makes me feel again. This guy is such a gift. Such a blessing and answered prayer. I desire a future with this man. I didn’t think I would ever say that. I hoped to…but didn’t think it would come. I have prayed for you for so long. I have prayed for a man who knows what struggle and defeat is. You know and fight both daily. I have prayed for a man who understands surrender and daily lays down his life and desires and wants at the feet of Jesus. I have prayed for a man who is gentle. A man who makes me believe that men can be good. You are gentle. In your words and touch. You are gentle with your eyes. Lord I could not have asked for someone to suit my heart this well. I could not have asked for a man to come at a better time. I could not have known my heart, the way You do Jesus. Lord this season, You are teaching me what love is….for myself, for others, for You. You are teaching me what sincere beauty is. You are you teaching me what struggle and hard work and diligence look like. You are teaching me what discipline looks like. God I pray You would use me to show this man the way You love him. The way you adore Him. The way you seek him. I pray You would use me Jesus to show him what true and tangible and right intimacy looks like. I pray Lord you would use me to show him what patience, beauty, self control, diligence, surrender, love, compassion, and gentleness looks like. God my biggest prayer is that individually we would seek You first and foremost. I pray our hope would never be in each other. I pray that no blessing and gift from You would ever mean more to me than You. I pray that You my God would always have number One in my heart and life and eyes and mind and soul. I pray I would experience You before anyone else. I pray I would seek You before anyone. I pray my words and actions would be pleasing to You and You alone. God I pray that whatever comes my way…I would trust You. Jesus You are my Source.

Thank you God for saving me from the pit I was in. Thank you God for bringing me Hope. For being my Hope. For being my Joy. My Peace. My comfort. My Source.

I have seen so much growth in myself these past few months. I have seen my trust in You soar to new levels. I have felt more. I have opened up more. I have believed more. God in this past month I have felt more needed and wanted and beautiful. I have felt like a woman who doesn’t need to be ashamed. A woman who wants to know True Beauty. A woman who wants to be at rest with my soul. A woman who wants to serve and listen and love. Lord you have worked in my heart and soul and mind more in the past month than in years. You have set these dry bones and given them new life. You have spoken into the silence and breathed into the lifeless…. You my King have taken me back to Wonder. You have taken me back to a place of Hope. A place of Peace and Joy and Light. Jesus You have won back the keys to my heart. Fill me. Take my dead places and fill them with Love and Light.

Chris, These past few months have been challenging. Sorting though memories I fought hard to...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 09:54:46 -0400

Chris,

These past few months have been challenging. Sorting though memories I fought hard to forget, sitting and actually feeling the effects of experiences, seasons, and decisions I have made was not an easy task. Remembering words that filled me with insecurity and defeat, speaking of the touches that left me confused and angry, and internally facing the people who caused me to hate this world…hurt.like.hell. These open wounds and fresh scars became apart of me that I hated. Apart of me I had to accept…until you reminded me that I am redeemed, I just need to start believing I am worth it. You told me that anxiety wasn’t something to be ashamed of, but to picture it as the Lord telling me to come and rest in His arms. That picture, that beautiful visual is humbling and comforting and healing. You listened without judgment. You encouraged me to see the beauty The Lord sees in me. You pointed out my gifts that I simply saw as burdens. You genuinely believed in a girl whose heart was so tired of feeling like nobody understood. Your compassion for me moved me to see what you saw. Your care for me touched the deepest parts of my heart. I can now look at myself and not see failure, feel hatred, or think I am a mistake. I have a sense of Whose I am, not just in my head, but also in my heart. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to me. Thank you for sharing your experiences, your stories, and your heart with me, and thank you for allowing me to share mine. I am starting to feel, not just the weight of other’s hurts, but my own. I have a long way to go, but being able to embrace the sorrow, the joy, the mourning, and the triumphs of my life, is a gift I am so thankful you helped me to open. Life is not easy, but you helped me see my past, not with eyes of disappoint, failure, and weakness, but with grace filled, love saturated, and purposeful eyes. You have cared for me. You have loved me. You have prayed for me. Those acts of kindness and selflessness are humbling. Thank you for believing that I have always been enough, and thank you for pushing me to see that in myself. You, fighting for me, to expel the lies that entangle and believe the Truth that sets free, has pushed me to fight the same battle. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that Jesus set me free, and no past can take that away. Thank you for being an example, a mentor, and a woman I can look up to. Words don’t do justice the appreciation I have for you. Your giving spirit, loving heart and listening ears are rare beauties that shine the name of Our Lord. I am going to miss you, and am so grateful for the time I was able to spend learning from you. One day, I hope to help women see the same Truth you helped me to see.

I am no ones princess and I dont live in Happily Ever After

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 12:11:00 -0400

Inadequate. Unqualified. Failure. Those are the words I hear. Not words of encouragement by any means, not words of life…or grace…or growth. Words of attack. Words that remind me of a place I’ve been. Words that suck the giddy light hearted girl out of me and instead stir in my heart of hearts that I am no ones princess and I don’t live in Happily Ever After. I am caught. Caught between playing defense. Building walls. Tall thick grey walls. Impenetrable walls. Or sitting. Releasing my grip. Laying down my weapons. Allowing. Allowing the warmth of feelings, beauty and Truth to slowly seep their way into this Cynical Ball of hurt and doubt. Tenderly scaling my walls, courageously fighting my battles, and gently placing a hand on the places of me that are still works in progress. Once again I am stuck. Stuck between the Experience of my past and believing there is a Better Future. Afraid to be excited, so instead giving way to what if’s and terror and Nothing has Changed. Relenting to the seemingly quiet whispers at night that I swear are shouting Run! Do not Trust! You will be left…broken. shattered. alone. And that is the Core of my fear. The stirring in my heart and pain in my stomach and the tears that possess stories, and pain, and a beauty I wish could break free are mute by their own paralysis and they burn like fire down my cheeks.they burn like fire down my cheeks… they burn like fire…they burn…but one day they will burn with Beauty and not fear.

Because I. have. changed. As much as that has been resisted and blocked out and unwanted…I am not the dead, empty, Will Do Anything You Ask For Acceptance kind of girl anymore. I am trying. I am seeking. I am listening. Learning to accept the Beauty, the Challenge, the Fight that is within me. A gift from the Creator that I’m still exploring what to do with. This new phase, this possible chapter of my story is going to shine a light on the Core of my fears and insecurities, but I will rest in knowing that light is not one of mockery and attack, but of warmth and love and growth. For this light is from The Light and I will choose to be still. I will choose to believe my past does possess Beauty. I will choose to sit in the Soil of Unconditional Love and let it cultivate in me, allowing my roots to be planted in the One Being that will never ever leave me abandoned. I will fight to keep the shouts of lies that fill my mind at bay because the King who deemed me Worthy of more than lifeless words….calls me His Princess and delights in the Happily Ever After we are walking in.

tears

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 11:03:33 -0500

Tears dont come easily for me. They dont summon at the tug of my heart or the bark of a command. Walls are my thing. They are high for a reason. Protection is key. Security is my goal. Dont hurt me and we will be ok. My tears dont come easily, but today I need them to come. Today I hurt. Today my heart feels anger and sadness. It is filled with confusion and despair. Today, I just want to be wanted. I am sick of letting down walls only to find that hurt circles right back in and touches the very wounds Im trying to heal. I hate that I have come immune to feeling. I hate that I cant cry or emotionally process. I hate that I have to sit here, with the light out, door shut, in order to feel safe to cry…and even then, it doesnt come easily.

blurry lines

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 19:35:43 -0500

Sometimes I forget about writing. I dismiss it as something I can do, something I like to do. I pretend it takes too much time, too much emotion, too much concentration to pull up the emotions I continually stuff down. It is easier to ignore the burning in your chest, then sit in it. But tonight, I am going to try to sit in this burning. I am going to feel it, and hold it, and then put it out. Because allowing something like disappointment, sadness, and what feels like desperation to burn inside of you for so long, will eventually turn you bitter and cold.

It is hard. It is hard not to feel like as a woman my worth is in a relationship. You ask a woman if she is dating or engaged and if she says yes, there is that sometimes unconscious pang of ‘what am i doing wrong’. I’ve experienced the reality of putting worth in a relationship…but I’ve also dealt with the consequences. I have learned and lived and worked to never be in that situation again. So far, so good, but this burning, this heaviness, this ‘pang’, this feeling is different. I don’t feel betrayed or abandoned. I don’t feel unworthy or less than. I just feel sadness. Sadness that a choice couldn’t be made. A tightening in my chest, that contracts when I wonder if I did the right thing. And the part that breaks my heart the most is the nauseousness at the idea of him never even hurting from this, never remembering what we had, never feeling the need to define, move, in either direction, backwards or forward,…never taking the risk to lose or gain. So instead, I chose. I choose to leave, to step back, to cut ties, because it wasn’t fair to be in a box with no lines, no boundaries…I am worth more than that. I am worth more than indecisiveness and blurry lines. I know this. I believe this now, 4 years ago I didn’t 4 months ago I didn’t, but now, now I do. I know the sadness will fade, because my happiness isn’t solely found in a friend. I know and rest in the fact that Jesus is in control, and nothing I ever do or say, can change that.

These moments

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 22:36:54 -0500

Two weeks ago my strength was tested, my faith was shaken and I was forced to feel. Forced to feel the weight of this world and the consequences of sin. Sit in it. Cry over it. I was forced to find a reason to hate it. Hate it with more than just a calculated response, a cogitatively correct answer, but with a fire that is burning this heart. Two weeks ago I was praying I would remember Whose I am and what I am worth to the King, instead of the world. I left a photo shoot that day, proud of the growth that had taken place in the depths of my insecurities. In the crevices of my soul, those areas that held tightly to the lies men have told me, were finally kicked out by Truth. God had worked. He had taken this broken, sick, skewed girl and brought her back whole, healthy, ready to embrace life as life and not as something to compete with. I was seeing healing. I was seeing redemption woven into the being of my mind and heart and body. Two weeks ago I thought I was finally going to stop struggling to trust, stop fighting the fact that I am loved; stop buying into the words that told me I was a disappointment. I thought I would finally get my break, finally catch my breath…finally understand why I went through this mess. Two weeks ago, seems like a lifetime. One letter, one letter that took all of five minutes to read, that is how long it took for my world to stand still and every lie, every action, every doubt that I had about men came flooding back, not necessarily with strength and power, but instead with a steady sting of hopelessness and disappointment. Every belittling word that was spoken to me, every unwanted comment, every inappropriate touch and every look that made me feel unworthy…crushed my hope of thriving. I was once again reminded that men, no matter their position, no matter their upbringing, no matter their spiritual depth, are not worth trusting. One man’s sin, his moral failing, his inability to authentically link his actions with his words and seemingly correlate that into the beliefs of his heart uncovered wounds that I had run so far from, worked to hard to heal and tried desperately to forget. My heart hurt. It felt heavy with the weight of lies and secrets and a life hidden from the knowledge of others. For two weeks my heart has felt the brokenness of the world, the messiness of life and the danger of sin. I have tried fighting it. I have tried thinking about it until there is nothing left to think about but the thought of thinking. I thought this might help me not feel, not face the reality that another man disappointed, another man lied, another man reopened a wound in my heart that I am so tired of coming back to.

But today was different. Today, my heart experienced peace. Today I saw growth. Today, I ran into a woman who I thought I would always hate. A woman who wounded me, knowingly. Selfishly. Repeatedly. Today, I was reminded that my heart has mourned before. My world has stopped once. My soul has experienced betrayal. I have walked these deserted streets in this seemingly lifeless desert. I have, and I will continue, but it is in these deserts that I feel His presence the most. It is when I am walking these streets of despair, that I find my hope. Today I was able to love and forgive a woman who betrayed me. Today, I was able to give grace and compassion and mercy. Today, I was able to see that my pain, my struggle, my wounds are not pointless, unnamed, or uncared for. Those events, those feelings, those memories, as much as they hurt, have shaped my character. They have showed me love, True love. Today, I was once again am reminded of His Faithfulness in the desert. These moments, these moments of remembering the places I have been and where I am now, remind me that I have never walked alone. It reminded me that even in the midst of a scandal, He is being glorified. Even in the midst of loving and experiencing life with high school girls who know nothing of a good and warm life, but instead live in a home of fear and havoc, I have to trust He is still being glorified. I have to trust that He has placed me in this season for a reason, even if I may not understand. I have to trust that even in the attempted suicide of a friend, even in a friends death of a sister, a father, a mother, a brother, even in the days after a pastor walks away from his family, his friends, his church…I have to trust that Jesus’ love is bigger than the enemy’s hate.

Grace

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 22:44:55 -0400

Uncommon

I want to be uncommon. I want to shine like a star in this dark world. Lord I pray my speech be uncommon. I pray it be uplifting and encouraging. I pray it be wise and peaceful. I pray it be humbled and kind, with words of gentleness and self-control. I want to make a difference in this world. I don’t want to just work and study for the money. I want to make a difference for Christ. Not only in my speech but also in my actions. I want to be so saturated in the Word and so deeply in tune with Jesus that the only thing I can do is surrender to Him. In times of hardship, in times of goodness, in the simple routine of everyday life…I want my response to be like Jesus. The past couple of weeks have been character building, heart stretching, and yet incredibly lonely. I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have been overwhelmed and over stressed. I have let myself fall into the perfectionist trap and have suffered from the anxiety of knowing I will never make it. Searching my heart for the source of my anxiety has been in and of itself anxious. Seeing that I am striving for perfection in myself is discouraging, because I know it is a demon. I know it is something that is hindering my relationship with the Lord. I know in my head that I will never find perfection. That I will never reach perfection….but do I? I don’t know. I sit and write this, and I still want the man who is a solid Christ follower, a nice big house with nice cars and a boat, kids who are healthy and warriors for the Lord…is that ok to want? If I don’t get it, will I be dissatisfied? Yea, I know I will and that is what I need to work on. I need to realize that the Lord has better plans for me, than I have for myself. I have head knowledge of that, but not heart knowledge. I want to change. I need to change. I need to see Grace for what it is, and not what I have made it to be. I don’t want people to look at me and see perfection; I need them to see Grace. I need to see my story as what it is, but covered in Grace. I need to search for what Grace means. I need to seek how the Lord gave me Grace. Grace is what I will search for. Grace is what I will learn. Grace is what I will give.

Heartlands

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 23:21:39 -0400

Lord for what purpose did you put me on earth? What is it that you have for me to accomplish in Your name? I can dream, but if these dreams of mine are not what You have planned, strip them of me. Lord direct me. Direct me to the places that I fail to see You clearly. I know You have plans for me, that should be enough. I know You hold my future, it doesn’t matter what it involves, as long as You are center, I will be filled with Joy. I pray for strength to keep my eyes fixed on You. I pray for courage to obey Your instructions for me. I pray I would let go. Let go of my plans, and be open to Yours. Be accepting of Yours. Start living Yours. I want the dead parts of my heart to flourish. To have nutrients, water that only You can give. Lord, show me these dead parts of my life. These areas of pride, control, perfectionism, and my future, that I am keeping You from. Forgive me. Love me. I need to trust that You know what is best for me, despite my own desires. But there is the issue. My desires…my desires, my desires shouldn’t be mine, they should be Yours. Lord, I am sorry. I am sorry for putting myself, and my needs and wants, before You. I am sorry for idolizing myself. I am sorry for idolizing my ideas and fantasies. I am sorry for not seeking you diligently in my life. I am sorry. Forgive me Lord, forgive me. Enter into these places of weakness. Enter into these places and make me whole. Enter into this dead soil and cultivate it with Your Truth. Your Love. Your Mercy. Your Way. I pray that my heart would be moved, to align with You. Be my Vision Lord, be my Vision. Prepare my ears to listen to the gentle whisper of Your Truths. I pray my ears would be tuned to Your instructions. I pray I would remember my First True Love. I pray I would remember Your faithfulness in my life. I pray I would remember Your calling, Your instructions to me. I pray I would seek you, unceasingly day in and day out. Jesus You satisfy. You satisfy more than the worlds most treasured possession. Be my Cornerstone. Be my Rock. You are my Rock. Lord move in me. Dig up the weeds of my soul and in return take root with Your beauty. Seek Him. Seek Him earnestly.

To my little sister at heart

Tue, 29 May 2012 13:23:00 -0400

Miss Savannah,

First and foremost I want to congratulate you on your commitment to purity! We are now sisters that belong to a very special club J! Making a decision to save sexual relations until you’re married is one that should be celebrated! It is an awesome decision and I am incredibly proud of you for making such a mature and responsible commitment. I made the decision to stay pure when I was 13, and it was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding decision I’ve made. I hope someday, when keeping this commitment gets tough and challenging, you will find encouragement in knowing that it is worth the wait. I want you to know that I am praying for you. Praying that you would surround yourself with girls who also hold themselves to a standard of virtue. I am praying that you remember to be a role model and example to Caroline, as well as other young girls who look up to you. You my dear Savannah, are turning into an intelligent, wise and beautiful young lady. I am so proud of you!

Secondly, You might not grasp the full realm of your decision now, but in a couple of years, keeping to this promise will not come easily. Keeping your purity is not something the world thinks is normal, but you are not normal…you are special. You are a prized possession. A gift, that should be treasured and treated with the upmost respect…at all times. The people of this world will judge you, not understand you, and pressure you into doing things you don’t believe in, but YOU are more than others opinions. You are strong and of great worth. You are allowed to have your own dreams, goals and beliefs, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Savannah, being authentic, real and passionate is what makes you, you; it is what makes you lovely. The next couple of years will be some of the most exciting and most trying. Your friends might start dating, but it is ok if you don’t. People you know might start doing things you don’t think are right, but it is ok to disagree with them. Girls will start obsessing over what they look like and what they wear, but Savannah, you are more than that. You are more than makeup, a size and a boy’s opinion. You are beautiful because you have been raised in a family that loves you and has grounded you. You have the example of a mother whose inner beauty radiates from within. Learn from her. Beauty isn’t the physical, but the heart. Inner beauty is what you should strive for. Inner beauty is what will make you the most beautiful girl in the world. Have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) Always remember, that you were made with a purpose. A special purpose. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. ( Psalm 139:14)

I love you Savannah. I am here for you, any time, any day, any question. I am so proud of the accomplishments you have made and cannot wait to see the lovely lady you blossom into.

“A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest, trusting God because she has come to know him to be worthy of her trust. She exudes a sense of calm, a sense of rest, and invites those around her to rest as well. She speaks comfort; she knows that we live in a world at war, that we have a vicious enemy, and our journey is through a broken world. But she also knows that because of God all is well, that all will be well. A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become.” –captivating

Vengeance-seeking whirlwind

Mon, 28 May 2012 23:34:00 -0400

This feeling inside, a sliver of what one-day could come, is the most wonderful yet terrifying surge of emotion. Coursing through me like a vengeance-seeking whirlwind; it is taking my breath but giving me oxygen, tensing my inner fibers but soothing my heart, horrifying but invigoratingly exciting. My blood, in all of its richness, is pulsing with the knowledge of failure, yet seemingly unaware of its favor towards the unrealistic reality of the possible. Whoa.

One day… some day, far from now, I will look back and know the risk was worth the lack of control.

——-

In all my being, I am terrified. Terrified of what may come, yet at the same time, terrified of what may not ever come. Stuck. I am stuck. Somewhere, between the control and fall…I’ve become lost. Wandering. Not content with full control, nor satisfied with risk. Bewildered. I’m bewildered in this forest of trees and leaves and bushes, all different types and colors with roots deep and shallow, trunks hallow and full, colors dull and vibrant. I walk through this forest senseless. Guarded with walls that don’t welcome that which needs nurture to grow. Safe in my walls, no tainted air, no hallow, dull or decaying is allowed. I thought I allowed the high and stiff walls to protect me, from that which is outside, yet in doing so, I never allowed the sun to shine its light, the rain to come, the moon to rise. Afraid of the warmth of its touch, unwilling to allow a season of tears to soak me, unable to imagine a ball of hope glowing in the darkness. I am afraid to hope. Afraid to hope for a future that involves someone else. Simply and selfishly because then I wont be in control. I will be able to disappoint. I will be able to feel, the good, the bad, and the inadequacy that everyone seems to see in me. Inviting you in, into my heart, my life, is like learning a new language. A tongue I’ve never heard, know, or understand. I.Am.Scared.

"Wait on the Lord” is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God..."

Mon, 28 May 2012 18:22:00 -0400

““Wait on the Lord” is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God often keeps us waiting. He is not in such a hurry as we are, and it is not his way to give more light on the future than we need for action in the present, or to guide us more than one step at a time. When in doubt, do nothing, but continue to wait on God. When action is needed, light will come.”
― J.I. Packer, Knowing God”

Blessings

Mon, 28 May 2012 18:17:30 -0400

Your blessings surround me. Each and every day, despite my lack of vision, Lord, you shower me with blessings. You provide a peace that solely comes from within, and sense of stillness that reminds me You are near. Your mighty hand moves carries me, not because I am incapable, but because with You, I am so much better. Thank you for hearing my prayers and answering them. For taking my insecurities and using them. Thank you for your plan, a plan that in infinitely greater than I can ever imagine. I thank you for delighting in me enough to show me Your love. I thank you for your character. For your ways and for your reasons.

I forget how Powerful You are. I forget that there is more than selfish reasoning behind what...

Sun, 06 May 2012 00:29:10 -0400

I forget how Powerful You are. I forget that there is more than selfish reasoning behind what happens in this life. There is more than how it effects me, how it effects others. There is a purpose to suffering. There is a purpose to hurt and tears. You are behind every thing, every being, every minute thing. You are the Designer. Yes, You see our suffering and pain and hurt. In an instant, in a blink, You can fix it, heal us, and warn us. But you don’t. You use us. Not in a ratty old dishtowel kind of usage, but in a way that without those defects, without those trials, without those days in the desert, we wouldn’t see Your Power. We wouldn’t see that despite the disasters of this world, you.are.ruler….you.are.healer.you.are.ultimate.you.are.king.

And I hear your voice and I hear the words you’ve spoken

This love is your, this love restores the broken

Yeah, this world sucks. And it is hard and bad things happen, but OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND SEE! See His goodness! See that He designed you and planned every event in your life…because He loves you. Because He loves you enough, to save you. He loves you enough to make a ‘defect’ in your life, so you turn your eyes to Him. Because how unsatisfying would life be if we had everything, but not Jesus.

I will sing. Oh I will sing.

I will sing sing sing

Oh you are good oh Lord, oh you are always the reason

You are good and Holy lord

I will sing sing sing to my God, my King

Hallelujah

I will sing sing sing to my God my King

I will sing I will sing I will sing, to my God, my King

Oh lord I will sing I will sing I will sing to you my god and king

Oh you are good

I will sing sing sing to my God my king

I will love love love with this heart you made for me

Ugh God, I’ve been at this place for a while. A place of isolation. A place of lies and secrets. A cave of trying to be strong and responsible, but miserably failing. Ive been trying to hide from you. Hide from anything good or bad. I’ve been organizing my life to be safe. To be secure and neat. No ruffles. But with no ruffles, no pits, not valleys comes no recognition of joy. I’ve placed my security in/as an idol, scared of what might come if life decided to take a turn. I’ve lived by rules, routine, regulations, in fear of having to give an unprepared response. In fear…I’ve lived in fear. In fear of the unknown, in fear of another heartbreak, in fear of not having the right answer, in fear of being judged, in fear of a broken family, in fear of every possible thing. Routine makes me feel safe…temporarily. God did not design me to have a fearful heart. He didn’t design me with walls that cannot be torn down. No, He created me to be free. Free to trust Him, love Him, share Him. God cannot be put in a box. He cannot fit into my neat little lines. I have to choose the control, or Him. I can’t keep fighting this battle of fear.

Hear our cries Lord come shake these walls

And rattle the steeples; Lord we are your people

All Glory, All Honor, All Praise, All Praise…to You.

I choose Jesus. I choose Jesus, because no matter the curve, no matter the weight of this world, no matter the situation, He makes it beautiful, and lines, could never do that.

Your worries will never love you

They will leave you all alone

But your God will not forsake you

Oh my soul, Love your God.

If I am constantly living in a daze of fear, I am unable to trust. I am unable to love. I am unable to feel the Love God pours on me. The blessings….I am unable to recognize them, because I turn from them, for they don’t fit in my plan.

Oh Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for not seeing the weight of your mercy and grace. Forgive me for not recognizing You, the Ultimate being. The One who has walked before me. Forgive me Lord, for thinking that I know better than You.

Rip this idol from me. Rip the roots out of my heart. Take out the remains and fill it, fill it with only You. Rip out the very essence of where it began and every defile thing it touched. Rip it out. I want none of it, for You sweet Jesus, are far better. Far, far better. Pour new soil. Soil that nourishes, fills, provides life. Cultivate it with Words of Truth and Joy. Lord, let it always be athirst for You. Let it never be satisfied. Let it forever be hungry and in need of Living Water. Lord, let enough never be. Cleanse me of the things, the desires, the plans, the pride and idols that come before You. For Lord, they are nothing, compared to a single minute with You. Lord, I want to lose the world and gain You. I want to taste and see and feel that You are good. I want to remember, that You and You alone save. My heart You hold, because you made this sinner, You made me, disgusting, unworthy, selfish, me… Holy. Glory to You. Glory to You. Glory to you in the driest desert and the most futile harvest, and everything in between.

This is all my hope and peace

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

This is all my righteousness

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh! precious is the flow

That makes me white as snow

No other fount I know

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

My prayer…

With every breath I breathe with every song I sing

I want to shout it out Lord I am listening

To every word you speak Ill go where you will lead, to love the least of these is my greatest offering.

Spirit of fear

Wed, 02 May 2012 23:12:36 -0400

If we have not been made with a Spirit of fear, then why am I so afraid. I have seen You work in my life in the past year. You have provided. You have given clarity. You have given me courage and strength to make hard decisions. You, have not failed me. There was never a time, when You were not present.

Lord, in the past year, by Your Grace…

I have over come bulimia. You showed me my worth cannot be in people or things that can leave or disappoint.

I have had the courage to tell a boy how I left, and dealt rationally with the rejection. You gave me strength to get back up.

I have decided on a major and chosen a career that I am passionate about, despite the lack of monetary benefits. You gave me clarity.

I have opened up to people. You gave me vulnerability.

I have learned to forgive, forgive those who belittled me, broke me, defiled me. You have given me a healed heart.

I have started to like myself. You have given me beauty.

I have realized perfection cannot be a standard. You have given me humility.

I have cut chains to my past. You have given me freedom.

In the past year, You have given me…

Self-control

Understanding

Joy

Perseverance

Compassion

Willingness

Hope

Desire

Lord, in the past year, I have seen You. You have given me a desire to seek you daily. You have given me hope for a future no matter the outcome. You have given me willingness to be more than the world demands of me. You have given me perseverance to walk though the trials you set before me. You have given me compassion for those whose burdens are a lot heavier than mine. Lord, You have given me joy. Joy because each and every day, You breathe breath into my lungs, You give vision to my eyes and movement to my legs.

Lord, I see the changes You have made in me. I see the love that you have placed back into my life, but I also see how far I need to go. I am a broken individual, that needs my Savior. I am fearful. I am fearful of a day when a boy might pursue me. I am fearful of my family falling apart. I am fearful of rejection and failure and disappointment. I am fearful of not being perfect.

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

I am not called to be afraid. I am called to love. I am called to build one another up. I am called to trust and be still.

I have a plan. A set out, safe, secure plan. One that is not supposed to be tossed around and disheveled. I have goals and career plans and things to accomplish. Lord, but I stand with empty hands, asking you to lift me up again. I do not know where you are going to take me. I do not know what you have planned for me, but I know it is better than anything that I can ever imagine. It might hurt, it might take a while, it might not be what I would have chosen, but I will thank You for the time in between, because that is where I see You. I have to trust You enough to believe Your will for my life is better than my own. I have to remember that You are bigger than my fear, my plans, my routines. You, my God, are bigger than me and my prideful heart.

Lord, You show up…over and over again, You show up. This past week has been interesting. Dealing...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 20:23:58 -0400

Lord, You show up…over and over again, You show up.

This past week has been interesting. Dealing with subleasing my apartment, finding a new roommate, preparing for the upcoming course load (which is a beast), deciding where to stay for the summer and what do to about boys, friends, family and myself. It has been an interesting week to say the least.

My mom and dad talked to me about counseling and how the monetary benefits are a lot less than the cost of grad school. That in and of itself freaked me out. Not being able to provide for myself is scary. Not being able to afford certain things makes me nervous. I would like to have a job that pays well, is something that I love and something that ultimately glorifies Jesus. I switched my classes around, decided I was going to be a school psychologist and that was it…done deal…all within 2 days. I am a frog, seriously, a frog. I jump and forget to think and breathe and most importantly pray. I forget to pray. I can pray for others, I can pray throughout the day, but I forget to pray for me. I forget that I need prayer too…I am prideful and need to be knocked off my high horse and that is exactly what the Lord did. After not being able to sleep one night, I opened my Bible and just started reading. I needed peace and knew nothing was going to give me that apart from Jesus. After reading and praying…for me, it was clear that the Lord would be providing. I do not know what that looks like, I don’t know when it will happen (or if it is happening now) but I know…that He is faithful and He is putting me in a situation that He knows is best for me, not what I think is best. (try swallowing that pill…ouch) So back to counseling I go. It is my passion. It is what I like, what I am fairly ok at. Will I explore other options if presented the opportunity, yes, but prayer will be in the forefront of any decision that is made…it has to be if I am to live my life glorifying Jesus. My one desire in life, the one thing I want to do is live for Him. It doesn’t matter what that entails. It doesn’t matter if that means living on the streets witnessing to people, if that means never marrying and never being a mom, if that means living in a mansion, if that means being average, I’ll do it. I want to be used by Him, not for my purpose, not for my glorification, but for His. So Lord, break me. Continue to break me, because each and every time I am broken, You remold me into something that becomes greater for Your kingdom. Each time I am broken, I am hoping to become more and more like You. I want to see with Your eyes, hear with Your hears, speak with Your tongue, and love with Your heart. I want to see and hear and speak and love the world, like you do. Fill me. I pray that the idols in my heart, the things I hold onto, the things I worry about, the things I fear, the people I envy, Lord, I pray that I would lay that at Your feet and set my eyes on You and You alone. I pray that through my struggles, my insecurities, my fears, that I would be able to be an example of You in my life.

Jesus I pray for hands that serve, feet that walk humbly, a tongue that speak kindness and truth and a heart that loves.

Give me Your beauty Lord, because Your beauty is what shines, and I pray that I would be able to share that with the world.

Learning one day at a time

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 22:15:49 -0400

Fear is something that grips you. It can disguise itself in many ways, forms and wounds. It is strong and silent, lingering in the cells of our being. It is looking for ways to suffocate, raging past anything and everything in its path.

Fear gripped me this week. It brought me back to a place, a feeling that left me insecure and wondering. Wondering things that were not good. Not healthy things. Not realistic things.

I left a relationship two and a half years ago, broken. Utterly and completely broken, trashed, and defeated. I did not want to keep living. I did not want to keep moving. I was hurt. I was in pain, bleeding. My heart was bleeding and it wouldn’t seem to stop. The tears wouldn’t stop. Desperation, anger, hatred, and unworthiness stained my face. Hot tears struck my cheeks, burning the broken promises of a life, a plan, a love, deep into the tissues of my skin. Your words, actions and lies burned in my heart, leaving a big gaping wound. You, left me, on the side of the road, barely breathing, while you walked away with another. You won…but you can’t keep winning.

You, Derek, screwed me over. You cheated on me. You humiliated me. You lied to me. You left me, alone. Fearful of men. Fearful of vulnerability. Fearful of affection and attention. And in order to protect myself from anyone like you, ever again, I created these standards. These super high, unreachable standards. They are a defense mechanism. A way of ensuring that they cannot be reached. There is a layer of security separating me from a man, a layer that cannot be moved, lifted, broken through…but that, right there, lays the problem. A problem that has been right in front me of for years. A problem that has hindered me, chained me, to a fear that doesn’t deserve my time.

I am boxing myself in a room of ‘what if’s’. I am holding myself hostage to a fear, an emotion, a feeling and in doing so, I forgot ‘that love is on its way, and it wont pass me by, I’ve just got to reach out my hands and lift up my eyes.’ I was waiting for a hero. A hero to save me, to love me, to dance with me, to lead me, to romance me… but in waiting for a man to be literally perfect, I forgot that Jesus is my hero. I was not allowing the Lord to romance me. I was not accepting the Truth that Jesus delights in me, that He loves me, that He wants me, and that He will never leave me. I forgot, the simple Truth.

Jesus, You alone are bigger than my feelings. You are bigger than fears and pains and worries. You have made a blessing from my wound. Thank you. Thank you for loving the unlovable parts of me. Thank you for seeing my heart, yet loving me anyway.

insecurities

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 22:39:28 -0500

Insecurities… have been eating me alive this week.

Gnawing away at every goal I have tried so hard to reach. Biting at every memory I thought I forgot. Savoring every feeling that leaves me breathless, hurting, wondering. I’ve had to bite my tongue many times this week, search within myself and find that love that only Jesus can give not only to others, but also to me. Nothing horrible happened this week…but it just didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel right. I did things I wish I hadn’t, I saw people who I didn’t need to see, and I gave too much thought to old words and feelings. I am glad this week is over, but am thankful for the reminder that Jesus is always present. He is always loving, and His arms, they are always open.

There’s a train leaving your heart tonight.

There’s a silence inside your head  and you’re running from it.

Down the tracks on a midnight line.

There’s a red moon in the sky and you’re running from it.

But I’m coming for you wherever you  go.

Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through

There’s a blessing and a wound and  you’re running from it.

When all your demons are at your door

it’s a soldier they’re looking and you’re running from it.

But I’m coming for you wherever you go.

Across  the sea, the space between everything you think

You know - the things you keep and bury deep  underneath

The melting snow - I’ll follow.

I’ll follow.

Fathers &  mothers don’t always come through

but I’m never gonna stop following you

Prophets and lovers don’t always hold true

but I’m never gonna stop falling for you

So when  your wine’s all gone and your well runs dry,

Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that  you see here,

you’ll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes.

overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord and the only response I have is to sob tears of joy and...

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 20:25:08 -0500

overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord and the only response I have is to sob tears of joy and thankfulness

I serve a beautiful God.

the next 20 years...

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 00:08:12 -0500

I think this life is a gift. A gift that was given to us, despite our inability to adequately be thankful for it. We take and take, mold to things and people that we like, and eventually get caught up in the whirl wind of life and realize we don’t even know who we are, let alone what we’ve become. I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life taking from this world and the people who have walked in and out of it. I’ve pretended to be someone I am not for the sake of not being ridiculed or questioned. I’ve pretended to do this, say that, live a certain way, thinking that I could avoid the question of, who am I? I don’t have an answer to who I have been, but I do know who I want to be. I know that I have a love that the world is desperate for. I know that I’ve been given a caring heart, a compassionate spirit and the mindset of a servant. I’ve been given a beauty that attracts people, forcing them to remember me. I’ve been blessed with adversity, but graced with the opportunity to comfort. The Lord has placed a passion for women and children inside of me. My heart yearns to comfort them, love them and show them light and love and laughter. However, love and laughter weren’t coming too easily to me. I thought those qualities were juvenile. I was in a grown up world now and needed to take life seriously. I thought that having a compassionate spirit made me weak. I feared that caring too much was wrong. I was struggling to understand why God had planted these seeds in me, if I wasn’t going to be able to use them. I didn’t understood why God made me look the way I did (which I disliked) but gave me a caring heart (which I liked). I used to pray that He would take my physical appearance away and make me unsightly. I lived in fear. I feared that if the people who were closest to me mocked my faith, my morals, my beliefs, and my standards, the world would too. I feared that a man would only love me, because of my physical appearance and figured he would not like an emotionless, unlovable and standoffish women, so that is what I become. My heart was overflowing with love and emotions, but I believed the lies telling me to be cold, heartless, and immovable. I was on a mission. A mission that included power, success and control, and no one could get in my way…except God. He soothed my heart of stone, gently took off my chains that linked me to fear, and simply held me. The process wasn’t one that I wanted to go through, but here I am, once again realizing that I am nothing without Jesus, and there is no place I would rather be. He has spoken TRUTH over the lies I believed. He loved/is loving/will always love, me, even though the world doesn’t. I am proud to say that I am in love with Jesus Christ. I am proud to say that I am doing my best to live Biblically, daily. I am excited to say that I am willing to wait for a Godly man, who loves Jesus, more than he will ever love me. I am not ashamed to say that I am saving myself for marriage and think that any type of sexual touch, visual, feeling, connection etc. is wrong before one is married, even if that is not the norm. I am absolutely humbled that I have been called to be a wife and a mom and cant wait to start this chapter of my life with the Lord at my side. I am honored that I have been called into counseling and helping women who are hurting, even if I won’t make any money. I will be living a much more satisfying life on earth and in heaven if I am obedient to Christ, than if I follow the desires of my flesh.

The next 20 years, will be different. Love is ok. Compassion is ok. Caring is ok. The Lord has given me these abilities and talents, and I want to use them to bring glory to Him. No, these talents aren’t athletic abilities, scholastic abilities or artistic abilities, but nonetheless, they are God given and back to God I will give them. I want to work with children who have cancer; I want to be a comforter to women who make the decision to keep their baby. I want be an example to others and show them what TRUE love looks like…a King nailed to the cross for me, for you, who deserves absolutely nothing, but was given life. The next 20 years, I will love more than I have loved, I will serve more than I have ever served and I will show hope to those who are hopeless. Jesus give me the strength to do YOUR will, not my own. Give me courage to be bold and fearless for YOUR name. Give me faith to see, when my eyes become weary. Give me ears to hear your whisper, when this world is too loud. Give me love, enough love to show the people of this world that YOU alone are all that is needed. Help me to give you glory, give you thanks, give you praise for you deserve it all and so much more.

<3

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:30:00 -0500

I knew it was on today. The last several days I deleted email after email reminding me of what I knew was coming. What i knew i shouldn’t be watching. I knew today would be a struggle. I knew putting on my jeans this morning that I wasn’t going to win todays battle without a fight. My God, if i knew, if i knew the consequences of my actions and felt the ripple effects of my decision I would have thought harder. Watching these models, these beautiful, head turning, perfectly measured models walking the run way, in nothing but attitude and confidence left me feeling….empty.

My body remembered the confidence that I tried to shove in the deepest corners of my being, hoping it would disintegrate and be forgotten over time. My flesh craved the attention and admiration that these bombshells were capturing from the audience, knowing that at one time, i was turing heads too. But there was something else, a feeling that caused a burning in my sternum. Anger. Anger towards those who promote this misperception of body image. Anger towards those who support the measures taken to look perfect. Anger towards the men that praise it, expect it, want it. Sadness. Sadness knowing that there are millions of girls envying their bodies. Sadness knowing that there are millions of girls in the same situation, fighting the same demons, and playing the same mind games that i’ve played for years. Helplessness. I feel helpless, because i know I cant help them. I cant fix them. I cant protect them.

Lord I pray for the women of this world who feel unworthy. I pray that they would see their worth not in the eyes of the world, but in the loving eyes of You. I pray for their journeys. Their scars, their hurts, and habits. For the battles they are fighting. I pray women all over the world would seek freedom in surrender, not in self-reliance. I pray that their minds would not betray them. I pray that their eyes would only see what You oh Lord have created them to be.